Too Much Monkey Business for Bieber

[well]UPDATE: Justin Bieber may be cleaning up his act. Apparently, he has been hard at work in the studio and is even dropping hints about a 2015 tour! [/well]

Justin Bieber has been a tabloid fixture for the past few weeks due to his increasingly bizarre behavior and public relations snafus.  First the Catholic school girl who can’t sing anymore was showing up late to shows, then passing out on stage, then “threatening” to “assault” people (it’s just like your little sister taking HGH).

Now Bieber’s meltdown mania has veered dangerously deep into mad libs territory:  Bieber’s pet monkey was confiscated at a German airport.  Which is way funnier than the mad lib I ended up with, “Guy Fieri’s slow loris was sodomized at a track meet. “ Now German authorities are planning on prosecuting the Biebs.  Where’s a guy to find proper counsel for such a bizarre case?  We know Charlie Day is our resident bird law expert, but monkey law?  Someone call the guy from Congo.  Not to be a namedropper, but I saw this guy at a restaurant in TriBeCa, and even as a dude who is 89% straight I had to pull a nip/tuck on the crotch area of my slacks.

It’s just another sad chapter in the downfall of the ultra-hateable Canadian size queen.  I for one will be drinking an ice cold glass of schadenfreude when this little bastard hits rock bottom.  The effeminate man-boy dated one of the hottest young starlets in Hollywood, drives $100K sports cars, and lives in a pristine Hollywood mansion.  You know the astronomical rent you struggle to pay on the 1^st of every month?  Bieber and his entourage of wannabe hoodrat losers spend more than that on any given night… at the cocktail bar before the club.

But fear not, my fellow Haterade drinking peons, his reckoning is close at hand.  As if the stars weren’t aligned enough already, it’s now been reported that none other than Will Smith has been mentoring the confused young hobbit.  His career and personal life are in turmoil, and he is now heeding the advice of the guy that turned down Django Unchained and quietly siphons money to a pyramid-scheming cult.  This is gonna be GREAT.  Your time to see J.Biebs perform live may be running short, so how about you utilize the ingenious, cost-saving platform here at TickPick to buy some tickets?